Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
You Might Also Like
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score