BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.