Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.