@VerifiedBIB

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

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@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@BrettDruck

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

@TheToddWilliams

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

@robdelaney

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

@david8hughes

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

@sensual_dad

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

@RunOldMan

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

@dlockw21

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

@Prero22

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?