me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Its true…
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Gods work.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”