me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
how high up are we talkin’?
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*