Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
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Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY