A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The struggle is real
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]