A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I’m Sold!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….