7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal