no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
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ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.