Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?