My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
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No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
who wore it better?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.