@christinaloca

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

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@aveuaskew

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

@HenpeckedHal

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

@texasstalkermom

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@karanbirtinna

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

@steveffootball

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

@JohnLyonTweets

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

@protolalia

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

@junejuly12

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.