Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.


“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.


Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”


God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!


If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.


At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments


One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.


“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”


I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.


I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.