Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Want his attention?
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.