> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
The French cow says MEUX…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel