> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend![]()
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”