Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG