In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
peak technology
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
These are my roll models.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP