“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
There is wisdom there.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”