Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You Might Also Like
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.