Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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somewhere, in an alternate universe
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth