I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere


I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.


Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.


Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.


If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?


[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather


Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.


Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?



4-year-old: This is a dream


GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.


yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese