I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.