@MavenofHonor

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

You Might Also Like

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

@LurkAtHomeMom

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

@ceejoyner

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

@slimmy_shady

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

@Darlainky

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

@ArfMeasures

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

@AndyAsAdjective

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

@SufficientCharm

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

@pennymobband

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese