I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.