I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
B
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.