under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Sending in my taxes
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
forgive me baja for i have blast
My new favorite headline
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home