How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
You Might Also Like
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
craving $300 all of a sudden
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
My wife gives the best headache.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
HOW DARE YOU
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.