An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
HELP 😭
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.