[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.