Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.