Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I love art.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.