Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.