Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
is this how new cars are made??
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?