DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’