*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds