The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”