Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I’M CRYINGGG
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.