Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.