saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
You Might Also Like
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!