I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

You Might Also Like


My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.


I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.


Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?


“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old


My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.


I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.




“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”


I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is


My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine