I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”