I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.