I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude