@HannahAntics

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

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@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

@

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

@chopper4jk

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

@Brianhopecomedy

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

@mikeleffingwell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

@bridger_w

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

@causticbob

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine