cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*