Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should