Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
How it started How it’s going
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”