My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try