Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Breaking news:
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged