The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT