A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.