A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
black phone good
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck