I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!