I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
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Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities