Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No