My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!