As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
You Might Also Like
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
scares
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan