I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Still a very good boi….
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”