I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”


SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here


I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends


My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.


ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?


Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho


[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh


Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?


When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”