My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work