It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Who.
Did.
This?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.