It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Still my favourite meme.
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep