It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Google assistant rules
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.