Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Fries, not lies.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.