14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Had to try this trend 😊